Ducks In A Row

Lately, I’ve been experiencing writer’s block. Life has also been incredibly busy, so it might make sense I’d have plenty to write about. Not to mention all the mental health issues that are rampant in my family and the world as a whole. There’s nothing that can explain why I am having trouble sitting down to write something worth reading.

And then the thought came to mind: that concept of all-or-nothing thinking. I remember talking to my kid about this early last year when I was homeschooling. The more I would delve into this subject, I realized how much I myself am guilty of this way of thinking. (Not that I should actually feel guilty for it. It’s just the way it is. But anyway…)

For as long as I can remember, all-or-nothing thinking and I have been friends…or should I say, enemies? Yes, there are times when I need to make judgment calls and observations about matters that really should not have gray areas. But we live in an imperfect world, so how can I expect to impose on an imperfect world, a humanity that will never get it all right, the idea that it’s all or nothing, no matter what the issue is?

My political views are not all or nothing. I am honestly somewhere in the middle of the political spectrum. My spiritual views are Christ-based, but even following Christ does not necessarily mean extreme thinking is required. In fact, one of my favorite verses that I’ve had memorized for over twenty years now is from Ecclesiastes: “It is good to grasp the one and not let go of the other. Whoever fears God will avoid all extremes” (7:18). My eating habits are the same…no food group is eliminated.

So the real question is: why wasn’t I applying this maxim to my writing routine?

I have this thing about rituals. I love to sit outside and drink coffee or tea. And do something along with it, like read, or pray, or think about the challenges going on in my life. I even designed a routine where I would bring my coffee or tea, AND a journal and pen, AND my phone, AND my computer. What exactly was I planning to do? My goal was to somehow manage, with like five hands, to drink my tea, write with the other, check my phone with my third hand, and also finding time to somehow, after I’ve written a deluge of words, to type it all up. And then with my fifth wave of energy, upload what I had written onto my website or my LinkedIn or Facebook page.

But honestly, who do I think I am?

Who can do all of that in the hour I was going to give myself to accomplish it? As you can see, I have a mental issue that causes me to believe I am capable of everything, all at once, and that all-or-nothing thinking is always the path to success. I know I am not alone, but for me, this is a particularly pressing problem. I do this in my parenting, too, and in my love relationships. They can only like me. And no one else. They can’t even talk to them. At all, or I’ll get insanely jealous. I can only have one friend, and I will put all my eggs into that friend’s basket. So when their basket gets heavy, they will end up dropping it, and the eggs will all break, yolks spilling everywhere. But was it their fault, or mine? Was it not mine, for asking them to take on too much from me? For expecting them to fulfill every dream and wish of mine, and be angry and upset if they could not manage the burden?

So, here I am today, spilling out words. Except I’m not making myself write it out first, as I always do. The idea here was that I would just pull out my laptop and start typing what is on my mind. Do I prefer the slower approach of handwriting? Yes, if I have the extra time to do that AND type it up AND post it accordingly. I am assuming my skill of being able to type quickly was not all for nothing. Now I get to use it for my own benefit.

To be honest, I think I was craving just the right moment. When no one would bother me. When I had a hot drink, a calm and ambient atmosphere, with just the right kind of music. With just the right kind of paper, and pen, and tons to pent-up creativity to boot.

Today, all I have is some mildly warm chai tea, my phone, and my laptop. But it is doing the trick.

I believe I was impeding my own ability to get my goals accomplished. I was getting in the way of my own success. I will add this was not the first time I have done this to myself. That pesky all-or-nothing thinking, which I was learning to do away with in other parts of my life, was rearing its head in the area that I never wanted it to, in the hobby I cherish above many others. While idealism does have its place, in the realm of creativity, it only works on paper, not in your head. Drawing a picture of the perfect sunset or what heaven looks like in your mind is one thing; demanding the outside world submit to my all-or-nothing approach is another. It will eventually cause resentment in relationships, our inability to be flexible, and, as it happened to me, stagnation in our creativity.

And this was exactly what happened to me.

Today is the first time I’ve been able to sit down and write anything in the past three or more weeks. It has been a painful lesson for me to learn, that I don’t need to have all my ducks in a row to produce the art I enjoy creating. In fact, it’s probably better that I don’t. Having just a few things missing means I have more time to focus on what matters the most to me.

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