Building Boundaries, Not Walls

As a woman, I am familiar with the bossy chick vibe. If I am being assertive, adamant or confident in myself, and in expressing my needs or expectations, I am told by specific people I am annoying, perceived as angry, loud, bitchy, even hated and despised. Some will specifically state they don’t like to be around me. My biggest gripe about this is I’m the only woman in my home. So I believe the males around me lack a deeper understanding and empathy about who I am, and how I am different. But instead of compassion, I receive looks and reactions that I associate with being despised.

What they don’t understand, though, is I have spent most of my life allowing others, but especially men, to use me and manipulate me for their own needs, and I believed that was the only way to be liked or even loved by others. But I have learned this year, hopefully for the last time, that boundaries are necessary for my growth and my protection.

Earlier this year, a significant other asked me, as we sat around the table at a local Mexican restaurant, how I felt about watching the kids as they traveled around the world, for up to a year. I was in shock at the question, and my answer was an emphatic no. So a few months later, he informed me he had booked a six-week flight to South America, and that I would have to watch the kids while he went. Mind you, it was during this time he had initiated divorce, but at this time, the proceedings had slowed considerably.

As I can see in retrospect, he was using me for his benefit, keeping me on a string so he could use me to watch the kids while he ran around.

As I reflect on this decision of mine to accept this challenge, I am angry at myself. While he is responsible for his own manipulative tactics, I am responsible for taking on this obligation.

But the reason why I did it was because I thought it would get him to like me better, to relent on the divorce, and come back and reconcile with me.

But that has yet to happen, and I am in serious doubt as to this happening at all.

I had the thought three days after I turned 50 in October that I would be okay without him coming back. Ever since that moment, with few exceptions, I have felt an immeasurable sense of peace and radical acceptance about this situation, and I am excited about moving forward and becoming single again, after 19 years of marriage.

Part of me moving forward, though, means approaching my life differently, meaning I would need boundaries in place, so nobody ever mistreats or manipulates me like that again. So I’ve decided boundaries are the way to go, but I need to be careful not to put up walls.

When we put up walls, we are essentially saying we don’t want to accept the reality of what’s in front of us, and that we are not vulnerable enough at the moment to deal with it. We can look over the wall, glance for a moment, and look away, thinking as long as we don’t look in that direction, it doesn’t exist. But we all know what’s on the other side of that wall.

Boundaries are different. They tell us and others that you are human, you have limits, and you have self-worth. And self-respect. That you deserve to be treated well. That you are not an unwilling servant or less to others, so they can walk all over you. No, that is not what we want. We want boundaries so others can see where we draw the line, and hopefully so we are not taken advantage of.

I’ve heard it said quite frequently that we show others how to treat us. This is where boundaries come in. When we express our limits and expectations to others, they are met with our dignity, and our desire to be seen, heard and accepted for who we are and every detail of what we represent. My latest boundary is if those in my life cannot accept me for who I am, every nuance included, I’d rather not have them in my life.

Because I don’t believe I am a bad person. I am deeply hurt, troubled and traumatized by others and life itself, but I am not bad. And if they cannot help and support me through this, they can go and live out their existence in whatever way pleases them.

It may sound harsh to some, but if you’ve spent your whole life walking on eggshells around other people, or have wanted people to like you so badly that you’ve lost your own sense of identity, you will understand where I am coming from.

And I know that many of you out there do.